To judge a book by its cover.....

How many times you have tried to put someone in a particular category just on the basis of that persons region, religion or caste? Or even looks?

During the short time that I’ve spent on mother earth I have had the good fortune of coming across many a people committing that common mistake. That is of judging someone on the basis of something or some incident. Which if seen in isolation would seem rather irrelevant to a majority of the other fellow homo-sapiens.

Let’s look at some of the more interesting judgment criteria’s that I’ve come across in the recent years.

I distinctly remember a friend of mine who had a rather rare technique of judging an eve’s beauty on the basis of how well formed her feet were. Strange though this was, even stranger was the fact that there was no particular criterion on the basis of which that gentleman would go on about rating a foot in isolation. Hence a female never really knew where she stood as far as that person was concerned. Like they say, ‘beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder’ certainly held true in this case. I wonder how one Kate Winslet would feel about this whole thing, being the butt of DiCaprio's jokes during the filming of Titanic for obvious reasons.

But then again judgment is not just about beauty is it? Someone can also judge someone else’s character on the basis of a seemingly insignificant feature.

Now we’re entering the bigger league here friends. After all, forming an opinion about someone’s character should have some solid base to it, right? And the more perceptive of you would have already come up with how it cannot be judged without experience, insight and the like.

It’s rather interesting how the location and the size of something as simple as a mole can vary someone’s opinion about someone so drastically. Let’s think about it. We associate a mole (especially if it’s small and petite) as a beauty spot or even a sign of intelligence in some cultures. It's infact known to give a rather pleasing effect if placed near the oral cavity. Sometimes resulting in the pupils just expanding incase of the opposite sex a la Cindy Crawford.
On the other hand, if the mole happens to be bigger and strategically placed near or on the cheekbones, gives that person an alternative career opportunity to appear in a shady role in innumerable plays et cetera (provided he can act of course). Of course Robert De Niro being an exception, having done quite well for himself playing all sorts of characters.

There are also other hall of fames like how a persons handshake can tell u about his/hers fidelity chances or how the size of someone’s lower lip can tell you about their kissing abilities and the list goes on.

Since most of it goes on in our sub-conscious mind it’s sometimes difficult to perceive the situation we are in, thanks to all this judgment. Until of course it turns into a faux pas. I should know of that, being guilty of it on a couple of occasions.

Sometimes, it’s better to let the professionals handle their domain while making an effort to open the book beyond the cover itself.

Food for thought..

How many times have we all taken some time off from the daily hustle-bustle of life and seriously thought about life in general? I have been blessed with such people around me and one fine day, taking a cue from them I also decided to think over life, my life. The bigger issues that surround me, affect me, mould me, shape me and hopefully make a better man out of me.

Thus the day began, with a hot cup of tea, sitting outside my room early in the morning. Needless to say, I was feeling fresh as a daisy, full of energy and ready to take on the world. I had decided that this would be a productive session, with outcomes on the lines of solving the mysteries of life and the like. With such determination I fell upon the task with such energy that it even surprised me.

A firm believer in organized thoughts that I am, I figured out that to get some answers I must have problems first. And since the case in question was I, so the problems had to be with me and my life in general. So I happily concluded that I must find some problems in my life and then try to solve them.

"Now, that seems easy enough" I thought. Once I have the problems, I can easily find solutions to my problems and life would be rosy again (not that it appeared colorless to me before, but I decided that it was a vital point I had to be convinced in before this important brainstorming session).

I have to admit, rather unabashedly that I am a great believer in my analytical skills and thus firmly believed that once the problems are thought of and properly arranged the solutions won’t be far off.

And with this strong conviction I hit the bottle on the ship.

You ever found yourself being deprived of something when needed the most?? Same was the case with my so called problems which refused to surface in the hour of need. Instead, I found my brain to be cluttered with the lesser mortals.

And rather than seeing the bigger things in life I saw the pile of unwashed clothes on my chair, the pair of shoes that have long outlived their usefulness, the unpaid library fine plus this and that.

At first I was blinded by this flow of thoughts, so fast and random were they. But then I quickly realized that about everyone has a problem of dirty laundry and lack of cash. So how this session was any different than what anyone else might take up??

I did not want this to be something what would be an everyday affair for a housewife but rather something which was much deeper and more meaningful. And so I commanded my mind to think deeper and dwell into meaningful thoughts.

But then again, this day was meant to be a day of revelations and I soon found out that my mind and my brain didn’t see eye to eye, and kept on churning out the same ‘problems’, much to the brains frustration.

And then my brain decided to churn out the solutions to these problems with an equal gusto and get them over with. Looking back, the solutions didn’t look as glamorous as I had thought they would be before the session began. Some of them being, ask dad for more money, wash my clothes, clean my ears/socks etc.

Surprisingly after an hour or so into it, I started feeling good about myself and the whole thing indeed, lack of results not withstanding. Failing to put my finger on it, there was something in that session that had raised my spirits quite high.

In the end I was able to conclude that a combination of a quiet session with oneself and morning air are good for the soul and deserved an encore.

With these thoughts I stood brushing my teeth when I thought of my missed out groundbreaking solutions that day.

I guess tomorrow would be a better day

The agonies that accompany forward mails.....

I recieved this mail from a pal of mine.. who agreed with me profousely that it was pure, royal, BULL SHIT!!!!! and I would have peed on it if it wasnt my own laptop.....
at first part of this blog u will find the mail which I recieved.... just scan though it... u will get the idea the dude is having...

Then kindly scroll down... and after a lot of space u will find my version.. plz read that carefully.. bahut dil se likha hai yaar... I'm sure I wont find many chicks disagreeing with that.. and guys would want to gift me a lifetime supply of sledge hammer spankings.... but mere andar ki aawaaaj is waay too strong...

this is the mail in italics



Girl Facts:

When a girl bumps into your arm while walking
she wants you to hold her hand

When she wants a hug
she will just stand there

When u break a girls heart,she still feels it when
u run into each other 3 years later

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through hermind.

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full ofquestions,
she is wondering how long you will bearound.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds,
she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a girl lays her head on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live without you,
she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you, "
no one in this world can miss you more than that



Guy Facts:

When a guy calls you,
he wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine, "
after a few minutes,he means it

When a guy stares at you,
he wishes you would care about him andwonders if you do

When you're laying your head on a guy's chest,
he has the world

When a guy calls you everyday,
he is in love

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you,
he means it

When a guy says he can't live without you,
he's with you till your done

When a guy says, "I miss you, "
he misses you more than you could have



Im ofcourse not well qualified to comment on the girls part... but it still seems like undisputable crap to me.. like--

when a girl bumps into your arm while walking
she wants you to hold her hand.....
i mean.. what the $%^*.... you could have walked into her path u ass.. or she could be a blind lady tryin to cross the road!!
anyways.. i found myself more suitable to comment on the guys version.... please read on....


Guy Facts:
-When a guy calls you,
he wants to get close to you, or maybe ur sis, or ur best pal, ur kaamwaali...reasons r interpretable

-When a guy is quiet,He's thinking of ways to bed u ...or he's thinking of his sweaty socks which he forgot to wash .. etc etc

-When a guy is not arguing,
He is just making sure that u dont back off before sleeping with him--- trust me on this or he just wants you to shut up because otherwise you wont..

-When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few minutes,
he means it--- crap!! i never mean it.. i mean-- fuc off n leave me alone

-When a guy stares at you,
look at ur chest or ur bums and cover them... fingers and toes included..

-When you're laying your head on a guy's chest,
he's ejaculating mentally. period!!

-When a guy calls you everyday,
he has a free mobile connection

-When a (good) guy tells you he loves you, --- he is just confused whether to take u as a sis or a lover.. hes good u see?? and love seems the safest option..
because u love ur mom, sis and spouse...

-When a guy says he can't live without you,
he is finding the house rent too expensive.. share the rent honey!!

-When a guy says, "I miss you, "now this can have multiple meanings... like, hes pathetic in english and is on the same lines as 'me tarzen u zane" (zane-- bad english u see??) or another pathetic in english fellow who happens to be a pervert is saying 'i wanna mess with u" (the roll in the hay waala)


I really wanna tell the dude coming up with the mail to BLOODY GET A FREAKIN LIFE!!!!
I know,I know.. dil se le gaya hooon.. but mere andar ka insaaan aisi akal is duniya mein nahin dekh sakta..
especially if its meant for me.....

An apple a day.......

u ever got sick?? i mean really sick... so much so that even the tiniest of noise makes u wanna scream ur lungs out?? not been there?? LOSERS!!!

meet the man.. the one and only urs truly who is walking down the path which few dare... not voluntarily of course... otherwise i would be the ideal candidate for cuckooo land... anyways.. where were we?? yeah!! walking down the path... out of the box thinker that i am.. i couldnt help but think that im doing a great deed for mankind.. somewhere on the lines of edison, or newton....
hard to digest?? read further and u'll end up kissing my hairy toes for helping u show the light...

it all started with a visit to the doctor (army of course) whom i failed to recognize, was the intern....( u cant blame me... that time it was as if i was looking through two jars of jelly) the wonderful person that he was.. he gave me two types of pills... and i came out feeling jubilant that i had indeed got the remedy to my agony which was obviously a short lived one.. because one of my pals who went with me to show his mouth which was aching ( i guess) got the same pills and the same dose!! DUH!! figure that out buster.......

still retaining faith in our fauji medical knowledge i took the pills... but by evening i was feeling as if one could fry an omlette on my forehead... so i decided to visit the doc again.. and guess what?? another intern... between enquiring about the 'chicks' in our college and their vital stats.. he decided to give me the same pills... there onwards the fun started... i started taking the pills regularly... but the fever had a brain of its own... comin and going at its own whims...

then finally the optimist in me was a little wobbly... and i decided to pay that inevitable visit... this time lady luc was shining on me... or so i thought.... i was referred to the Medical Specialist... u see, in an army hospital these r the magic words.. he's the Mr know it all... he can cure u if nobody else can... my opinion??BULL!!!
a chubby fellow, with a depleting moustache.. started askin me stuff... but not writing anything on his pad... 15 or so Q's later the pad still looked as virgin as ever.. then came the Q...

specialist: hmmmm.... lets seeee.... welll....

tuli(thinking): saale jaldi pooch

specialist: do u get any chills??

tuli: yup got them twice during the last 4 days

specialist(excited): how long??

tuli(confused): well... just for a half hour or so.. went away soon after

specialist(the look on the face): just won a free lap dance by jolie or something

starts writin on the pad... fast... i mean really fast...

peeping tom that i am.. i peeped into the now literally raped notepad to see 'malaria' written in five places....

specialist(not looking up): im putting u on malaria pills

tuli: but i already tested for it and it came negative

u ever had that frustrating feeling when you are saying something to someone right near his left ear and he pretends as if a fly is buzzing on his head??
welll thats just what happened.....

and ofcourse there were those 2-3 tests that were given.... the blood tests r another story.....

in the end i was on malaria med and half a gallon short of blood (the blood tests.. remember??)

but the eternal optimist in me refuses to die and somewhere in the corner of my heart i really believe that these people r using me as a guiene pig for a higher cause... maybe something like how a persons body reacts to a cocktail of entierly unrelated meds...... and we walk further down the path....


( a special thanks to buddha, tanvi and nishad for being there for me... thanks idiots.. and also the entire m-block who has been playing songs,cs, and movies at low volumes for one whole week now, the major surprise was mehlas room)

(ps: i always exaggerate stuff... disease included)

just in case anyone is relating the blog below with how i live my life.. then i would strongly suggest they refrain from doing so... its just on the basis of my observations.. when i said we- i basically meant my views as a third person... so kindly, read the blog below as a feeble attempt at cheap humour and nothing else...

The spoiled broth

U ever heard the phrase 'too many cooks spoil the broth'??
Well, here i am- the broth!! A living example of that phrase. An army man's son, 've been travelling all over the country in the last 24 years i have graced mother earth with.

essentially a 'Punjabi', now a mutant.. so much so that i can put shredder to shame (from the 'teenage mutant ninja turtles' fame... )
Im like an italian pasta served with chicken curry. But end of it all, the punjabi remains the power within me... like most of my breed i follow the 'One peg, two legs(chicken) and no knowledge is bliss' rule to the T. I mean look at us... a dozen of us can polish off the liquor and chicken otherwise enough for a marriage party (ok... maybe not that much, but u get the picture, right??) and as for the brains, welllll... lets say, we believe in letting our biceps do the talking for us.. thats another story that the talking usually turns into a shouting match (more about that later..)

but believe me, when it comes to creativity and imagination we are 2nd to none... i mean who else can undress a woman mentally in 3.5 nanoseconds flat?? (down to the 4th decimal point) that takes imagination to a whole new level.. i kid u not.

not convinced?? you snickering bastards, you non believers... can you randomly pick up a woman in a crowd and imagine a whole life together complete with the kids and how she would cook the paranthas for u on sunday mornings just on the basis of how her hair falls over her face?? well.. we can!! that is the punjabi power of imagination for you, you losers. try and beat that.

coming back to our talking biceps... the fact that a regular punjabi would always play the role of goliath in a david Vs goliath play, always helps the flow of conversation. biceps, which wanna talk even more after downing a couple of whiskey shots (the brand not withstanding, of course)..
to give an analogy, its more of a parliamentary debate (the UP state assembly)....

not that we dont usually 'converse'.... of course we do... you suckers.. what did u think we are?? some uncivilized beasts?? provided u hit the right note.. like how mika should have gone for a second kiss, or how the indian cricket team should be made to eat their bats to motivate them to play better (believe me, this is discussed with the same intensity as the nuclear treaty with US would be discussed in the UN)....

Then of course there is that ever lasting respect for womenfolk in our hearts, provided they are our mothers, sisters, any woman related to us (blood relation or not withstanding) and our friends mothers and sisters (they are strictly out of bounds).. the rest of them are sluts... period. no debates, its just there. her name is jaspreet?? we spell it S-L-U-T... she breathes?? slut! she talks? slut! she proposes? SLUT!! she rejects u?? definitely a slut!! slut slut slut.... no arguments, no debates... all menfolk must agree to that.. if you dont, then keep it to yourself. unless you want to be a social outcast.. god forbids, you dont think some girl is a slut when all your pals think she is. Its like everyone agreeing to the fact that sachin is a better player than what bradman ever was.

all in all, we are a unique breed. and recognize that like no one else, wearing it on our sleeves as well as the collar and the cuffs. we challenge anyone who challenges that, always ready to 'talk' it out .

devils workshop

Heeeerrrreeee comes the first blog...

Ladies and Gentlemen!! Hold your breath... We present youuu.... walking down the red carpet.... The star of the show..
CRRRRAAZIERRR - THAN - THOU!!!

Flash!! Flash!!-- The camera's
ROARRR!!! -- The crowd (A happy one)
Kiss Kiss - wave wave -- moi... :-)

yes yes!! u guys can clap while sitting... why the standing ovation??
and please... the mexican waves are too embarrassing... and ladies, u can stop shedding those clothes... I mean there are kids here... and Harpreet!! for the last time.. I M NOT GAY!!! so stop throwing your underwear at me!!

One mouse click for me- A double migarin for the readers.....