BLUE!!

Something which I’ve been thinking of doing since last two weeks
Pen down my thoughts on the oh-so-colorful BLUE!!

A movie which renders you speechless
You can almost feel the idea and raw passion that must have gone behind this masterpiece.


Director – Sirji, I have an idea.

Producer (visibly excited) – haan haan.. bolo bolo….

Director – let’s make our next movie under water.

Producer – Wah wah, what an idea.

Director – We will show corals, sharks, fishes, ships, boats.

Producer – Wah wah

Director – and since it is a water movie, lets show as many asses as we can.

Producer (more excited) – yes yes… in the underwhater scenes?

Director – Nahi Sirji… everywhere. Underwater, on the beach, near bike races, while getting ready to meet boyfriend… everywhere

Producer (close to fainting with joy) – Haan haan.. ye theek hai..

Director – Plus, we will show bike races, to cater for our action loving audiences.

Producer – Haan haan.. ye bhi theek hai..

Director – to give an international touch, we will show an international pop artist also

Producer – Only if it’s a woman and half-naked.

Director – Done sirji, done.

Producer – aur actors?

Director – kya farak padta hai? Kissi ko bhi rakh lo. Bas ladki hot honi chahiye…

Producer (now drooling) – Haan haan.. ye theek hai..

Producer (afterthought) – Aur Story?

Director – Kya sirji, mood kharab kar diya. Bana lenge, jaise jaise movie banegi.


Hence Blue – the movie was born.


For the curious, I'm rating all the actors.
Akshay Kumar - Very Fit. Horrible acting. Too busy with Sarkar and lady in blue
Sanjay Dutt - Very Fat. Seems older than the lady in blue.
Lara Dutta - Very Fit. Looks like Sanjay Dutts daughter. You want to shout incest everytime they come close. Has a well defined role -> run-around-in-underwear-whenever-possible
Zayed Khan - I'm too speechless to comment.
Katrina kaif - Disappointing. Only woman who wore pants.
Rahul Dev (the villain) - As ferocious as a trained poodle.
Kylie Minogue - Now she is; Now she's not (the negligee dress helped though)

(ps: I could not get Jimmy from anywhere. Somehow, every CD wallah gave me sympathizing looks whenever I asked for it)

A happy evening

Yesterday I was watching TV with my wife.
We’re one of those people who just need to watch some nonsense after a day at office.
I guess the gods were listening.

Channel #1 – Star Gold
Playing – Some Akshay Kumar Movie

What was it – Song

Akshay kumar and Nagma (yes, she was a part of Bollywood once) were jumping/grinding/humping/other-such-things to a song which I can’t recall (unfortunately).

The dance steps included
Killing imaginary mosquitoes
Trying to pee like a dog standing up – and jumping forward while doing that
Playing snake-snake
Playing snake-snake like an Egyptian
Pelvic thrusts (of course)
Jumping over a tortoise (believe me you)
Akshay kumar running in his chaddis (believe me! It was a VIP waala chaddi)
Nagma running in tight golden slacks.
etc

Yes, we were quite entertained.
Song over. Patience over. Over to the remote.

Channel #2 – I couldn’t have cared
Playing – Baazigar

What was it – Song

Shahrukh Kan romancing Kajol while claiming to be the Baazigar. And Kajol reciprocating while calling him a Baazigar. Such fun!!

SK comes on a horse, wearing a black shirt, pants, mask and a cape (basically everything is in black).
And his cape has Baazigar written on it. Just in case the person watching is deaf.

Kajol who was wearing a pink bridal dress (eager isn’t she?) and hideously pink lipstick, welcomes him shaking you-know-what.

So, the song goes on.

With Kajol in the center and SK moving the poor horse all around her.
To break the monotony and lip-syncing, Kajol does a couple of jumping/grinding/humping/other-such-things moves.

Interesting. Especially, if you consider what the horse must be going through

I mean, you have to move in circles with a man doing jumping/grinding/humping/other-such-things on you for no reason.
And on top of that, you’re facing an ugly woman doing jumping/grinding/humping/other-such-things with herself.

But all good things must come to an end. And so did the song.

Needless to say we were totally rejuvenated. Bringing a happy end to an evening

And speaking of nonsense….

I’m planning to watch Jimmy over the weekend.
Remember that movie with Mithun’s son ‘Mimoh’ in it?

More on that later.

I'm Back!! .. or maybe chest.. or legs...

Like I said.. I'm back!!
Anyway, lets get on with it, without going into anatomical science and other such things....
I just checked, its been more than 2 years since I last blogged (That sound like an awfully long time). It also sounds weird, because I actually liked blogging when I did.
And true to myself, I have no plausible explanation for this. :)

So... Question 1. Have I changed? ummmmm yes.. somewhat.
Question 2. How much? welllll.. definetly not emotionally. I'm still the sam old cuckoo bird.
Question 3. Then what has changed? My weight (its looking North), my Hairline (receding is the word), my wallet (heavier thankfully) and so on...
Question 4. When will we stop this? Now.

Major life changes (listed below)

• Got married (with my sweetheart.. heheh.. such romantic I am.. and what killing english I have)
• Already in my 2nd Job (earning well.. thank you)
• Finally learned some bit of Finance (KGT sir would be so proud)
• Have a mini paunch (all thanks to my work-eat-sleep-shit-bathe lifestyle, not necessarily in that order)
• Crap... I cannot think of any more..
• That means I'm still the same old person.
• Mi Gaaad...
• That means I'm incapable of changing.
• Is that a bad thing?
• Why am I still writing in bullets?
• I think I'm losing it
• Although, my wife thinks I've already lost it.
• She thinks that she's also lost it. She has our marriage certificate to support that.
• Somehow I disagree with her. I think she has the ability to recognize a true Gem.

Enough!!

Summary...

• Except my marriage (Prefix: happy) and Job. Not much has changed.
• I've got fat. (more about this later)
• I still think I'm the greatest. (heheh modest me)
• I'm going to be regular on this blog.

(ps: I can never figure out how to end my blogs. I had so much problems ending the previous ones)

Food for thought..

How many times have we all taken some time off from the daily hustle-bustle of life and seriously thought about life in general? I have been blessed with such people around me and one fine day, taking a cue from them I also decided to think over life, my life. The bigger issues that surround me, affect me, mould me, shape me and hopefully make a better man out of me.

Thus the day began, with a hot cup of tea, sitting outside my room early in the morning. Needless to say, I was feeling fresh as a daisy, full of energy and ready to take on the world. I had decided that this would be a productive session, with outcomes on the lines of solving the mysteries of life and the like. With such determination I fell upon the task with such energy that it even surprised me.

A firm believer in organized thoughts that I am, I figured out that to get some answers I must have problems first. And since the case in question was I, so the problems had to be with me and my life in general. So I happily concluded that I must find some problems in my life and then try to solve them.

"Now, that seems easy enough" I thought. Once I have the problems, I can easily find solutions to my problems and life would be rosy again (not that it appeared colorless to me before, but I decided that it was a vital point I had to be convinced in before this important brainstorming session).

I have to admit, rather unabashedly that I am a great believer in my analytical skills and thus firmly believed that once the problems are thought of and properly arranged the solutions won’t be far off.

And with this strong conviction I hit the bottle on the ship.

You ever found yourself being deprived of something when needed the most?? Same was the case with my so called problems which refused to surface in the hour of need. Instead, I found my brain to be cluttered with the lesser mortals.

And rather than seeing the bigger things in life I saw the pile of unwashed clothes on my chair, the pair of shoes that have long outlived their usefulness, the unpaid library fine plus this and that.

At first I was blinded by this flow of thoughts, so fast and random were they. But then I quickly realized that about everyone has a problem of dirty laundry and lack of cash. So how this session was any different than what anyone else might take up??

I did not want this to be something what would be an everyday affair for a housewife but rather something which was much deeper and more meaningful. And so I commanded my mind to think deeper and dwell into meaningful thoughts.

But then again, this day was meant to be a day of revelations and I soon found out that my mind and my brain didn’t see eye to eye, and kept on churning out the same ‘problems’, much to the brains frustration.

And then my brain decided to churn out the solutions to these problems with an equal gusto and get them over with. Looking back, the solutions didn’t look as glamorous as I had thought they would be before the session began. Some of them being, ask dad for more money, wash my clothes, clean my ears/socks etc.

Surprisingly after an hour or so into it, I started feeling good about myself and the whole thing indeed, lack of results not withstanding. Failing to put my finger on it, there was something in that session that had raised my spirits quite high.

In the end I was able to conclude that a combination of a quiet session with oneself and morning air are good for the soul and deserved an encore.

With these thoughts I stood brushing my teeth when I thought of my missed out groundbreaking solutions that day.

I guess tomorrow would be a better day

The agonies that accompany forward mails.....

I recieved this mail from a pal of mine.. who agreed with me profousely that it was pure, royal, BULL SHIT!!!!! and I would have peed on it if it wasnt my own laptop.....
at first part of this blog u will find the mail which I recieved.... just scan though it... u will get the idea the dude is having...

Then kindly scroll down... and after a lot of space u will find my version.. plz read that carefully.. bahut dil se likha hai yaar... I'm sure I wont find many chicks disagreeing with that.. and guys would want to gift me a lifetime supply of sledge hammer spankings.... but mere andar ki aawaaaj is waay too strong...

this is the mail in italics



Girl Facts:

When a girl bumps into your arm while walking
she wants you to hold her hand

When she wants a hug
she will just stand there

When u break a girls heart,she still feels it when
u run into each other 3 years later

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through hermind.

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full ofquestions,
she is wondering how long you will bearound.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds,
she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a girl lays her head on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live without you,
she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you, "
no one in this world can miss you more than that



Guy Facts:

When a guy calls you,
he wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine, "
after a few minutes,he means it

When a guy stares at you,
he wishes you would care about him andwonders if you do

When you're laying your head on a guy's chest,
he has the world

When a guy calls you everyday,
he is in love

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you,
he means it

When a guy says he can't live without you,
he's with you till your done

When a guy says, "I miss you, "
he misses you more than you could have



Im ofcourse not well qualified to comment on the girls part... but it still seems like undisputable crap to me.. like--

when a girl bumps into your arm while walking
she wants you to hold her hand.....
i mean.. what the $%^*.... you could have walked into her path u ass.. or she could be a blind lady tryin to cross the road!!
anyways.. i found myself more suitable to comment on the guys version.... please read on....


Guy Facts:
-When a guy calls you,
he wants to get close to you, or maybe ur sis, or ur best pal, ur kaamwaali...reasons r interpretable

-When a guy is quiet,He's thinking of ways to bed u ...or he's thinking of his sweaty socks which he forgot to wash .. etc etc

-When a guy is not arguing,
He is just making sure that u dont back off before sleeping with him--- trust me on this or he just wants you to shut up because otherwise you wont..

-When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few minutes,
he means it--- crap!! i never mean it.. i mean-- fuc off n leave me alone

-When a guy stares at you,
look at ur chest or ur bums and cover them... fingers and toes included..

-When you're laying your head on a guy's chest,
he's ejaculating mentally. period!!

-When a guy calls you everyday,
he has a free mobile connection

-When a (good) guy tells you he loves you, --- he is just confused whether to take u as a sis or a lover.. hes good u see?? and love seems the safest option..
because u love ur mom, sis and spouse...

-When a guy says he can't live without you,
he is finding the house rent too expensive.. share the rent honey!!

-When a guy says, "I miss you, "now this can have multiple meanings... like, hes pathetic in english and is on the same lines as 'me tarzen u zane" (zane-- bad english u see??) or another pathetic in english fellow who happens to be a pervert is saying 'i wanna mess with u" (the roll in the hay waala)


I really wanna tell the dude coming up with the mail to BLOODY GET A FREAKIN LIFE!!!!
I know,I know.. dil se le gaya hooon.. but mere andar ka insaaan aisi akal is duniya mein nahin dekh sakta..
especially if its meant for me.....

An apple a day.......

u ever got sick?? i mean really sick... so much so that even the tiniest of noise makes u wanna scream ur lungs out?? not been there?? LOSERS!!!

meet the man.. the one and only urs truly who is walking down the path which few dare... not voluntarily of course... otherwise i would be the ideal candidate for cuckooo land... anyways.. where were we?? yeah!! walking down the path... out of the box thinker that i am.. i couldnt help but think that im doing a great deed for mankind.. somewhere on the lines of edison, or newton....
hard to digest?? read further and u'll end up kissing my hairy toes for helping u show the light...

it all started with a visit to the doctor (army of course) whom i failed to recognize, was the intern....( u cant blame me... that time it was as if i was looking through two jars of jelly) the wonderful person that he was.. he gave me two types of pills... and i came out feeling jubilant that i had indeed got the remedy to my agony which was obviously a short lived one.. because one of my pals who went with me to show his mouth which was aching ( i guess) got the same pills and the same dose!! DUH!! figure that out buster.......

still retaining faith in our fauji medical knowledge i took the pills... but by evening i was feeling as if one could fry an omlette on my forehead... so i decided to visit the doc again.. and guess what?? another intern... between enquiring about the 'chicks' in our college and their vital stats.. he decided to give me the same pills... there onwards the fun started... i started taking the pills regularly... but the fever had a brain of its own... comin and going at its own whims...

then finally the optimist in me was a little wobbly... and i decided to pay that inevitable visit... this time lady luc was shining on me... or so i thought.... i was referred to the Medical Specialist... u see, in an army hospital these r the magic words.. he's the Mr know it all... he can cure u if nobody else can... my opinion??BULL!!!
a chubby fellow, with a depleting moustache.. started askin me stuff... but not writing anything on his pad... 15 or so Q's later the pad still looked as virgin as ever.. then came the Q...

specialist: hmmmm.... lets seeee.... welll....

tuli(thinking): saale jaldi pooch

specialist: do u get any chills??

tuli: yup got them twice during the last 4 days

specialist(excited): how long??

tuli(confused): well... just for a half hour or so.. went away soon after

specialist(the look on the face): just won a free lap dance by jolie or something

starts writin on the pad... fast... i mean really fast...

peeping tom that i am.. i peeped into the now literally raped notepad to see 'malaria' written in five places....

specialist(not looking up): im putting u on malaria pills

tuli: but i already tested for it and it came negative

u ever had that frustrating feeling when you are saying something to someone right near his left ear and he pretends as if a fly is buzzing on his head??
welll thats just what happened.....

and ofcourse there were those 2-3 tests that were given.... the blood tests r another story.....

in the end i was on malaria med and half a gallon short of blood (the blood tests.. remember??)

but the eternal optimist in me refuses to die and somewhere in the corner of my heart i really believe that these people r using me as a guiene pig for a higher cause... maybe something like how a persons body reacts to a cocktail of entierly unrelated meds...... and we walk further down the path....


( a special thanks to buddha, tanvi and nishad for being there for me... thanks idiots.. and also the entire m-block who has been playing songs,cs, and movies at low volumes for one whole week now, the major surprise was mehlas room)

(ps: i always exaggerate stuff... disease included)

The spoiled broth

U ever heard the phrase 'too many cooks spoil the broth'??
Well, here i am- the broth!! A living example of that phrase. An army man's son, 've been travelling all over the country in the last 24 years i have graced mother earth with.

essentially a 'Punjabi', now a mutant.. so much so that i can put shredder to shame (from the 'teenage mutant ninja turtles' fame... )
Im like an italian pasta served with chicken curry. But end of it all, the punjabi remains the power within me... like most of my breed i follow the 'One peg, two legs(chicken) and no knowledge is bliss' rule to the T. I mean look at us... a dozen of us can polish off the liquor and chicken otherwise enough for a marriage party (ok... maybe not that much, but u get the picture, right??) and as for the brains, welllll... lets say, we believe in letting our biceps do the talking for us.. thats another story that the talking usually turns into a shouting match (more about that later..)

but believe me, when it comes to creativity and imagination we are 2nd to none... i mean who else can undress a woman mentally in 3.5 nanoseconds flat?? (down to the 4th decimal point) that takes imagination to a whole new level.. i kid u not.

not convinced?? you snickering bastards, you non believers... can you randomly pick up a woman in a crowd and imagine a whole life together complete with the kids and how she would cook the paranthas for u on sunday mornings just on the basis of how her hair falls over her face?? well.. we can!! that is the punjabi power of imagination for you, you losers. try and beat that.

coming back to our talking biceps... the fact that a regular punjabi would always play the role of goliath in a david Vs goliath play, always helps the flow of conversation. biceps, which wanna talk even more after downing a couple of whiskey shots (the brand not withstanding, of course)..
to give an analogy, its more of a parliamentary debate (the UP state assembly)....

not that we dont usually 'converse'.... of course we do... you suckers.. what did u think we are?? some uncivilized beasts?? provided u hit the right note.. like how mika should have gone for a second kiss, or how the indian cricket team should be made to eat their bats to motivate them to play better (believe me, this is discussed with the same intensity as the nuclear treaty with US would be discussed in the UN)....

Then of course there is that ever lasting respect for womenfolk in our hearts, provided they are our mothers, sisters, any woman related to us (blood relation or not withstanding) and our friends mothers and sisters (they are strictly out of bounds).. the rest of them are sluts... period. no debates, its just there. her name is jaspreet?? we spell it S-L-U-T... she breathes?? slut! she talks? slut! she proposes? SLUT!! she rejects u?? definitely a slut!! slut slut slut.... no arguments, no debates... all menfolk must agree to that.. if you dont, then keep it to yourself. unless you want to be a social outcast.. god forbids, you dont think some girl is a slut when all your pals think she is. Its like everyone agreeing to the fact that sachin is a better player than what bradman ever was.

all in all, we are a unique breed. and recognize that like no one else, wearing it on our sleeves as well as the collar and the cuffs. we challenge anyone who challenges that, always ready to 'talk' it out .